Receiving Grace

If I were a football player I would not be a receiver. I might play lots of positions but it would not be that one. Oh, I can run, albeit not fast, and I can catch – I’m just not good at receiving. I’ve never learned the proper technique.

Take compliments. I’m no good at them. I can give them and I love to get them, I’m just no good at receiving them. Call me a compliment killer. Tell me my hair looks nice and I’ll say Thank You then go on about how I think it really looks crummy and I had wanted it to look so much better. Say you like my blouse, “Thanks, but it’s really old and out of style. I really should stop wearing it.” Why can’t I ever just say “Thank You” and smile and accept the compliment? Be graceful about it?

I’m not much better with gifts. I love giving them and love getting gifts – but please just leave them on my doorstep. I'm no good at receiving them. I hate opening gifts in front of people. What if I say the wrong thing or don’t act gracious enough? What if I already have one (I never do) or don’t like it (never happens) – or like yours better than hers and she’s standing right next to you (slight possibility)? Dread of all dread. Why is it so hard to just receive the beautiful gift and its warm gesture and express Thanks, simple, sincere Thanks without thinking lots of extra embellishment is needed?

Love. This is the big one. I dish it out. I love to love. But the hardest thing of all for me to receive is love. I try. I thought I did it well but now not so much. I have gained a new understanding of love lately and in the process discovered that I don’t receive love very well at all.

I have been unemployed since January of this year. This being November, that’s a long time on my calendar. Other than a small bit of my own finances and unemployment from the government I have had no discernible income. What I have had is the most wonderful, loving family support system of my partner, my parents and my brothers keeping me a float. My family has been there for me at every turn. They have kept my roof over my head, my car in my garage, my electricity flowing through my light bulbs and my dog’s bowl full of kibble. I don’t know what to say to love like that. Love like that humbles me. How do I ever say the right kind of Thank You? A hug just doesn’t seem gracious enough. This love is so deep and strong and real. Why can’t I accept this beautiful gift without feeling guilty?

The answer to all the above questions is – because I don’t feel I deserve it.

I am completely comfortable with the concepts of our capitalistic society – supply and demand, a day’s wage for a day’s pay, you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours, keep what you kill, two way street. What I clearly get uncomfortable with are God's economic concepts of free, unearned, unmerited, one way street, no strings attached, unconditional, grace.

This past year has taught me the true meaning of that last one – grace. Grace, as I understand it, is God’s unmerited favor. It’s His blessings given to us just for being us. Not for anything we did or are going to do but just because He loves us. I admit, I think I understand the concept. But really I don’t. I don’t get anything in this world with out earning it. I was taught that at the earliest age. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch” as the saying goes. So, it’s just so hard to live in a world that demands we earn everything and places value on everything we do. That’s even the first question we get at parties – “So, what do you do?” Nice. Real nice. Then God says we don’t have to do a thing to earn His love, we get it by grace. My head spins.

Since I live in a world like that it’s hard for me to then turn around and suspend that belief when it comes to God. It just is sometimes. I know Jesus came and died for me and wiped away my sins so when I die I can go to heaven. But for the other stuff while I’m here, it is hard to relax and just receive His love, His grace without thinking I also have to jump through certain hoops to get to Him.

Case in point: today I was driving and thought to myself, in a rather frustrated PMSie kind of way, “What is it going to take from me for God to give me my breakthrough?” And this is what I got back, “Nothing.” Nothing? "Nothing." God is not “waiting” for me to do anything to trigger my breakthrough. And by that I mean any particular task, uncover the correct acorn so to speak. Stop cussing, act more lady-like, go to church more, give more to charity, etc. The breakthrough will be an act of His love through His grace – period.

He has been illustrating exactly what He means by this all year. My family members didn’t help me because I mowed one’s lawn, or painted another’s living room, or babysat their kids. Each and every one of them did what they did beautifully and graciously because they love me – period. Acts of love through grace.

It's getting easier for me to understand His love and His grace and accept that I am deserving. God is using my loved ones to teach me deeply important and personal lessons about both. And that is a beautiful gift from Him in and of itself right there.

Stay tuned, it's only mid-season and I just might make the team as a receiver yet.