Letter to a Friend

Dear Friend,

I saw you recently at our local coffee café. You said it was good to see me after so many months. I said likewise. You asked how I was and inquired as to what I was doing and if anything were new. I reported that I was doing well and that lots in my life had changed since we had last seen each other.

You then asked if my “situation” had improved. And I replied that indeed “it” had not. You said, “Well, if that hadn’t changed then nothing had.” And I disagreed with that assessment and before I could go on – you were “shocked” and asked how I could “sit here looking so good and calm and pretty and relaxed?” “You must be an idiot!” you stated flately.

I sat there for a second and then replied that I was so sorry to disappoint you. You again said there was something wrong with me. That if the situation was reversed and it was you “in my situation” you would be a raving lunatic. You would be bald from having pulled out all your hair, you would be at home curled up in a ball in a corner where no one could find you crying and hiding in shame and dieing from the stress of it all. Why was I not doing the same? Did I not care? Do I not understand my situation for heaven’s sake?

Then, thankfully, your blackberry bleeped and you were called away on some important errand. To spread more of your uplifting joy, no doubt. “But we have to get together again soon!” you said as you strode out of sight. I can’t wait.

In the meantime, I am posting this “open letter” to you because you left before I could respond to your questions.

I am not doing the same as you because I have already done the same as you allegedly would – and it did not work. First off, there is no shame in my situation. Secondly, yes, I care. I care more than you can possibly imagine. That is why I changed my plan of action. And hear me when I say this I understand my situation far better than you as I am the one in the battle, fighting the fight, 24/7/365. You, my self-centered friend gets to peer into my life for snippets at a time and see a snapshot of something you cannot possibly imagine or understand. So, please let’s allow only those who can see the whole picture the right to judge – and baby that ain’t you.

But Friend, you did get one thing right – I am an idiot.

Because only an idiot remains peaceful when the world tells her to be full of strife. Right? Because only an idiot thinks she is strong enough to face her fears and overcome them when the world says otherwise. Right? Because only an idiot maintains courage in the face of worldly enemies much larger, more numerous than she. Right? Because only an idiot thinks she has the endurance to go the distance when the race lasts much longer than she ever thought possible and the world tells her to quit. Right?

Friend, during “my situation” while trying it your way I also tried it another way. I asked my Heavenly Father for several things – one being to end the situation – but until that He answers that one, and He will, I also asked for a few others. I prayed for Peace during this time instead of the anxiety which was consuming me. I prayed for strength to handle the fears and stress which surrounded me at every turn. I prayed for courage to overcome the enemies that battled my insecurities. And I prayed for endurance to get me through to the end and withstand it all.

Those prayers God has answered. Those prayers are what you saw the fruit of when you saw me looking so “idiotic” the other day. But you were too self-centered to see it and understand it. The sad thing is is that you were one of the people who has said she was praying for just those things for me.

But Friend, I don’t blame you for not seeing. We all run so fast it’s easy to miss the blessings and answered prayers right in front of us. In fact, He’s probably answered a few of yours; you just need to sit still long enough for Him to show you.

So, yes, I am an idiot. I will happily be one until the good Lord brings me home.

And I have you to thank for it.

Love,
Your Idiot Friend Dee

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